2 steps back

Exhale. 

One. Big. Exhale. 

Before I start.. I know I'm throwing myself a pity-party with balloons and a bounce castle and cotton candy stands and only have invited Carter. I know that. This sucks. 

We have been anticipating this day for months and months. We did his level 9 bloodwork in May and this morning was the exciting phone call I was suppose to get. The phone rang at 8am. Bad timing for school drop off because we needed to get in the car but even being late to school for this exciting call felt good this morning. We felt so confident that this bloodwork for Carter's peanut trial would spring us right past level 10 (the last level) and that he would be able to challenge the peanut and be slapped a big "no more peanut allergy" sticker in the centre of his shirt by summer. 

However, it all came crashing down at 8am instead. For the first time in his 6 year trial, we took steps backwards. His anaphylactic protein levels elevated. So instead of maybe getting rid of the allergy, we went backwards. Not only that, but for the first time in 6 years, he has to stay at the same level (level 9) for another 6 months. His body didn't qualify to challenge level 10. But it doesn't even stop there. Carter has been having digestive issues. So along with that sad news, we also were told to double his probiotics (he can barely stomach half of one dose let alone two now) and take away lactose and corn as much as possible. 

Like, are you kidding me? This kid barely eats anything to begin with and now we have to take away lactose and corn too? Without wheat, corn and lactose are basically 80% of his diet. 

Truthfully, Ive been crying all morning. For him, for me. I will sit in whatever trench God gives him but I wish so badly I could just lift him out of it and sit in there myself. It feels like he has so many food restrictions already. I ache for him. 

My heart hurts for him. My meal ideas are at zero and I just want to make it all feel ok. I know in the long run, in the big picture, it will be fine and we will plug along like we always do with grace and more wisdom in a topic we wish we didn't have to understand but man it sucks right now. 

I wish my hugs would just heal his insides. I wish I could just be celiac, have an anaphylactic peanut allergy and not eat corn and lactose for him. Why can't moms just have the actual choice to do that? I wish I could. I mean.. I will do those things regardless so he's not in it alone.. that's what sitting in the trenches with you really means but I wish it would physically heal him. Why does he have to have this trial? God is definitely gonna hear about this... constantly... urg. 

Im frustrated and angry and so, so sad. I'm overwhelmed and feel a little lost but will figure it out, for Carter. Every. Single. Time. 

I love you Carter, Im sorry buddy. I hope you always know Im in the trench with you. The pity-party will end. The bounce castle, cotton candy stand and balloons will be packed up and stored for another crappy occasion but for now, we will soak in the party, feel the emotions and then let it go and move forward like we always do. 

I love you. I got you. I mean it. xo