You can't outrun the rain.
This one is hard to write. I want to record it because I know we all have trials. We all get scared and we all have to sit back at some point in life and say "its out of my hands". Right now, that is where Im at. I am scared but I have hope that everything will be ok and I have faith in a loving heavenly father that will always be there even in scary times.
In May 2017, I did a breast exam just by myself at home. I thought I felt a lump but I wasn't positive. It wasn't massive or even really that noticeable but I went to my doctor anyways. She said she thought she felt it too so she sent me for some blood work and an ultrasound on it. I had my first ultrasound on it in June and I was nervous but after the appointment the radiologist and breast specialist said not to worry. They did see a mass and it had blood flow to it but that it was benign.
The game plan at that time was to keep an eye on it for the next two years with routine blood work and ultrasounds every 6 months. They originally told me that the mass was hard to feel from the top of my breast (which I already knew) but clear enough on the ultrasound. I left feeling nervous but trusted them and had another ultrasound in December. In November I was feeling a little nervous about it so I pushed my ultrasound up from December to November and again the same breast specialist said it was benign and nothing to worry about at that point. I had routine blood work done in March that I also assumed came back totally normal because I didn't hear anything back and "no news is good news" so right after our Hawaii trip I had another regular routine ultrasound booked for April 18th. This one I was not worried about at all. I had just had blood work done, every other ultrasound had been fine so I was confident this one would be just fine too. I took Penny with me, she's such a good sidekick! They did the ultrasound then the breast specialist came in and did it basically all over again. Then I heard her say "well, its big enough now to do a biopsy so lets do that".
Now, if you know me you know I am a SUPER BIG (*BABY!) emotional person. I cry when I am happy and sad and everything in between. I also swing my mind to go to the worst case scenario all the time which is not helpful. In that moment, my heart sank. I tried everything not to cry. She went on to explain it in more detail to me. Basically this mass could be a Fibroadenoma or a tumor.
If it is a Fibroadenoma then it is benign with no increased risk of breast cancer from that mass. They will do another ultrasound in 6 months time just to measure it once more and that will be that.
If it is a tumor than I guess we will be given reocmendations and go from there. Im REALLY praying for the first option of a Fibroadenoma.
In that appointment they booked a biopsy for me for Monday April 23rd but I did not want to give up that day because I already was supposed to go to Penny's spring ballet recital and that afternoon I was supposed to volunteer in Carter's class and if this mass is going to take up time in my life, I still plan on living it so I moved the appointment to Thursday, April 26th at 10am.
Last weekend after my ultrasound and before the biopsy I attended a woman's conference in Lethbridge with my Mother-in-law and sister-in-laws.
To be honest, after the news I just got at the ultrasound I didn't really want to go. I wanted time to process what could be my reality and really I just wanted to be with Brian but I went anyways and Im so glad I did. It was amazing. It gave me exactly what I needed. I felt stronger and more confident than ever. I knew I could do this.
I was nervous and so stressed yesterday for the biopsy however, I did also have so much peace in knowing that God knows me. He knows my fears and my struggles and all my worries. I kept that close to my heart that morning. Brian was right by my side (except he wasn't aloud to come with me for the procedure).
(This is why I don't take "selfies" .. lol)
The Breast surgeon, radiologist and nurses were AMAZING with me. They knew I was nervous so they told me exactly what I would feel and when I would feel it. They told me all the sounds I was hearing and gave me a "two more minutes" warning. The whole thing took about 20 minutes and then 10 extra minutes of pressure after. The first freezing needle was totally ok. Kind of like a dentist needle. The second needle was super painful and even though I knew it was coming, I still jumped and it took everything in me to not move. The third needle was ok too, a little painful but not as bad as the previous one. After that I mostly just felt pressure. A TON OF PRESSURE. The nurse was just there to put what felt like her whole body weight on my breast the entire time. They took 3 or 4 samples of it and it was done. I tried to sit up after it but felt SUPER dizzy and really nauseous. I went to a consult room where they explained to me that my doctor will have the results between 7-10 days (my dr called and said between 10-14 days but we will see I guess).
I was excited to see Brian again and I was home just after lunch time so it really did go pretty quick. The doctor told me that I was brave and that if I don't get the results I am hoping for that their team of doctors are GREAT and that I have nothing to worry about. I felt like the only reason a doctor would say you're brave is because I was acting like a total baby about the biopsy procedure lol but it was comforting to hear nonetheless!
So now, we wait. I actually was more worried about the actual procedure than I am about the results. I have confidence that the results will show that it really is just a Fibroadenoma (fingers crossed!). None of my doctors or breast specialists have seemed too overly concerned so I do feel good about the results and it will be really nice to know exactly what it is and to stop guessing. Im not really into the whole "wait and see" approach so the biopsy was good to have done to just know exactly what it is and what (if any) the next step will be.
I have some bruising and some major discomfort but am hopeful that everyday will be a little better than the last. They said by tomorrow I should be feeling better and that in one week (so next Thursday) I can take off all the tape etc from the insicison. Im excited to shower tonight and I'm soooo grateful its the weekend so I can just spend it with my family. The kids have been SOOOOO sweet too. They have been sharing their special blankies with me and giving me so many hugs and kisses. They have been gentle and truly, just awesome! I feel so lucky to have them. I am learning to have enough faith to not have to know all the answers, I know God has a glorious plan for my life and I fully trust in him.
I don't want people to worry. We are doing good. We don't need anything right now. We are just healing and relaxing and waiting for the results.
"You can't rush the sunrise, you can't outrun the rain so lift your arms open wide and feel the cleansing that comes through the pain, you can't outrun the rain".
I know I am blessed. I know I have the best team in my family and friends and whatever comes, I will have support but I also feel super confident that everything will be fine so please don't worry. I didn't write this post for help, we are doing great. I wrote it because life isn't always sunshine. It is not always happy and easy and I want my kids to read back and know the trials, that they too will go through scary things and uncertainty in their lives and its up to us to get up and keep going or lie down and give up. I am choosing to get up and keep going. I have three beautiful babies who I adore, who motivate me and give me that strength everyday that I need. I am not worried, I am happy.
I know that "In a world with so many unknowns, you are not one of them. God knows you." So, we push through this ache and wait for my results while I do everyday normal mom life. Because, it really is the best.
