Three Is Our Magic Number.

Ok, lets get real for a minute here. When we first got married we always said that we would have four kids. That, in our minds at the time, was the perfect size family. After we had Carter we felt a love that was indescribable. A deep deep love connection that we never even knew existed. After we had Bentley that same deep love connection blossomed again and we were just elated. I got Postpartum anxiety after Bentley was born, but it was manageable for the most part and as soon as I stopped nursing him, it went away completely. Our life seemed pretty perfect. We contemplated adding a third baby to our clan. Without a ton of hesitation, we got pregnant pretty quickly with Penny. Her pregnancy was HARD. REALLY HARD. I was so beyond sick and totally down on myself wondering if I could ever do this again. 12 weeks in and I told Brian that I was certain this baby would be the last because pregnancy was just too hard. Fast forward to her birth, it was magical. The moment they put her on my chest, the first time I got to nurse her, her first cry, swaddling her for the first time.. that new baby love connection blossomed again and we were head over heals with our new little lady.

I felt pretty quick the dark cloud of anxiety and depression fall over me. I felt completely suffocated. I couldn't breath, every single "easy" task became an awful chore and so many horrible toxic feeling and thoughts flooded my mind 24/7. Right around Penny's first birthday I was in the darkest time of my life. It was suppose to be so happy. How could I feel so happy and blessed to be celebrating my daughter's first year of life and contemplating taking my own life. Things got real, really quickly. I thought about suicide often. I knew exactly how I would do it. I even had the day planned out. I called Brian and hold him that when he got home, the kids would be safe. That Penny would be in her high chair. He knew something was up and came home right away. He saved me that day.

I knew I could have called any person on the earth and anyone would have saved me. I mean, who wouldn't?! But when you have anxiety/depression, you physically can't. You can't talk about it, you can't ask for help and in fact, even though you know what you're thinking about is completely crazy, you cannot help it. It felt like the devil took over my body and I was trapped and there was only one way out.

After that day, I NEVER wanted to be back there. I was terrified. I knew I needed help and luckily I had an amazing supportive Husband who didn't sleep until we found something that helped.

I feel like for the last year and a half, I have been good. In the last 6 months, I feel like I can finally chalk it up to be postpartum depression and anxiety and I feel like I can finally breath. I don't deal with those awful toxic thoughts anymore and I cherish every single day that I feel "normal". It really is a blessing. I feel like I was able to get the help I needed, talk to the the right professionals and get out of the dark hole that consumed who I was.

Now, back to why three is our magic number. The truth is, I would LOVE to have one more baby. I would LOVE to experience one more blossom of an indescribable unconditional love for a new baby but I just can't.

We often have people joke and say "Ohh common... one more" "soooooo.... any more babies?!" "Penny's getting older.. I think its time to add one more!" and to be honest, I'm NOT offended by it. It doesn't bother me and really, I'm a pretty "open book" you could say so the conversation doesn't bug me however if you do ask, you might make me cry lol so proceed with caution.

We are so beyond lucky to have been blessed with three beautiful babies. They are perfect in every way. They fight, they are loud and rambunctious. They test us daily and love us hard and Brian and I pour our entire souls into this little family of ours.

Recently we found out about quite a few new pregnancies AND WE ARE SO EXCITED FOR EVERYONE!! However, on the flip side, it is sad to think that I cannot have anymore. Its not worth the risk of what might happen if I get postpartum again. Its hard to have your heart in two different places at once. I also know a lot of people who struggle with infertility and that too is just devastating to see. I can only have hope that somehow and someway our lives will work out exactly how they're supposed to, no matter how hard it is to get there.

So, there you have it. That is why three is our magic number. It wasn't a number we chose and it didn't come the way we thought it would (all butterflies and roses with no trials .. because before we got pregnant and had babies.. it looked simple enough (HA! Were we ever wrong!))

I am sorry if you are dealing with any kind of infertility, postpartum anxiety/depression or just anything that seems to get in the way of what you planned life to be. It is hard. It is sad and it is ok to feel like that. Its ok to cry and break down and its totally ok to say "it isn't fair", because its not.

But know that you (and I) have a whole village dealing with the same thing. Going on a path that they never new they would. Going through trials and hanging out in "Survival mode" for what feels like forever.

Even if you feel like you're alone, you're not. People will listen to you, they will cry with you and they will do anything to help you. I know I would and I know people would have done it for me too because I believe that the world is a better place than we make it out to be.

So, to close this heavy post out. I want to say how much I ADORE these three. Carter, Bentley and Penny complete our family. They love us unconditionally (even if I apparently am starting to embarrass Carter with my overly affectionate personality!). I never want them to feel like they aren't enough because believe me.. THEY ARE! We have made one pretty spectacular puzzle with 5 pieces that fit perfectly together and I love these three more than I could ever describe!