This is real life.
Now that my blog is private, I feel so much more relaxed about what I talk about. Which is actually really nice! The beginning of the year was better for my anxiety and depression which I am still hoping to wake up from it one day and it be gone! Maybe not the reality.. but a girl can dream right?! We did the Whole30 challenge which I really felt like was great for me and all was looking up! Then on the morning of June 23rd at 8:18am I got the worst phone call.
Brian had been in an accident. My heart sank deep into my chest and started to race. My eyes welled up with tears and I tried with all my might not to loose it. Paramedics said he could have died.. or been a paraplegic but his small car did exactly what it was supposed to do. 6 of the 8 air bags went off and his seatbelt saved his life.
I won't get into all the details. We have the accident report for that but in a nut shell Brian was traveling west on highway 22x going about 90-95km per hour when a car who had been fully stopped at a stop sign tried to cross over the divided highway to head east. She crossed directly infront of Brian. He did not have time to even use his brakes. His immediate trajectory was to hit her in the drivers side door but instinctively he swerved to the right taking the brunt of it all.
She hasn't played any games with insurance and she was charged that same day. Brian was taken to the hospital by ambulance and my mother-in-law and I met him there just a few minutes after he arrived. I am so thankful to my sister. The moment I called her bawling and said "I need your help, Brian's been in an accident" she literally hung up the phone and drove right over with her kids so she could watch mine. She didn't even know the details. She is my angel.
Not knowing the outcome at this point, but knowing that he would survive it and be ok, I didn't tell the children quite yet.
Brian was released from hospital that same day. He suffered all of the tissue issues anyone would get from a severe accident and concussion. He had a small broken bone in his right hand and seemed to have some nerve issues because who of his middle fingers on his right hand were not working as they should.
As the days went on, the pain started to get increasingly worse.. we were warned that this would happen. The boys did a great job at helping Daddy feel better!
Weeks passed and now months have passed and we are still waiting for answers. He is on a wait list for an MRI for his right hand and arm because the pain is still so sharp and strong after months so the hand specialist thinks there is something there that X-rays and ultrasounds are not showing us. He goes to Chiro, physiotherapy, occupational therapy, rehab, a hand specialist, his rheumatologist and our regular family doctor for routine check ups because of this whole thing. Our calendar is filled with appointments and its hard to keep track!
Our current biggest concern is of course his right hand and arm and the tendons that potentially are damaged but also Brian's arthritis. In case you didn't know, Brian's had arthritis since he was in his early teenage years. Through the years he has tried numerous things to try to help it. Natural and pharmaceutical. Most recently (from February-May) Brian trailed "Methotrexate" but that didn't work at all and just left him feeling super sick every single weekend. Prior to the accident Brian had problems mostly in his ankles, wrists, elbows. Since the accident, it seems to have spread to his shoulders, fingers, hips, knees and toes. When before the accident he was running around 70% on a daily basis (physical activity or stress would always make it worse) When he would have a flare, it would last maybe 3-4 and dip down to 50% and then go back when his flair would go away.
After the accident, Brian had a constant flare for 6 weeks straight and now feels like on a normal day he is running at 30%. My heart aches every time I think about it. He cant do much. No hiking, running, basketball, no mowing the lawn or taking out the trash, he couldn't even bend down to bath the kids for months and even still its happened only a handful of times since June. All of the lifting, getting out of bed in the middle of the night or early in the morning with the kids is me. He is much too stiff and its excruciating at those times. Its hard for him to fall asleep at night because his entire body just aches and he feels like there is stabbing pains and a "heartbeat" throb in every single joint.
I feel so many emotions. I am so mad at the lady who hit him (she told police she "just didn't see him there") but I also feel so bad for her because she saw Brian go into that ambulance and be taken off to the hospital and I cant imagine the horrible feeling of guilt you would have. I am completely exhausted at our situation. I don't even know what its like to sleep through the night or go to bed at a regular hour anymore.
And yet, through it all I am forever thankful that Brian's last day with us wasn't that day. I am thankful he is here and I know it could have been a million times worse.
Fast forward to today... 3 and a half months since the accident and I am sitting here crying and writing about how close I came to loosing my husband and best friend and yet I sit here back in the hole of full blown depression and anxiety. I cant breath, my heart races, I feel overwhelmed at the smallest dumbest tasks. I am short with my kids and throw my very own temper tantrums because someone didn't hang up their coat or one of the boys used a harmless "potty word" and I must conquer the world in a day.
You're probably rolling your eyes at the screen reading this, but for me.. its the truth and its a horrible nightmare. I don't want to be like this. Every inch of my soul tells me "just be happy" "just smile" "you have SO much to be grateful for" and yet every corner of my body feels so unhappy. I feel so much pressure from everyone.. I feel judged and honestly, I just feel sad. I cant sleep at night because my anxiety makes me too worried about my endless checklist of things I have to do or Ill fail and my depression makes me feel so sad that I don't even care about those things and having them together is a complete nightmare.
I am not myself. This is not me. I used to be so happy all of the time. I used to take challenges and a full calendar and conquer it and more without feeling overwhelmed but ever since the accident I think its just been so much all at once plus taking care of a broken husband, 3 small kids, the house, church callings, family commitments and yes even thanksgiving felt stressful to attend.
I feel so broken. I know of a few things that I need to do immediately to help myself. I recently found a new vitamin (thanks Mom!) that I think was helping and one other thing too that might work but I haven't gotten my hands on it yet. If those don't work, I plan on seeking medical help, I can't live like this anymore.
Half of me feels like "holy crap, I need a vacation" and the other half of me says "I could never leave my kids behind because of the epic anxiety it would cause". I feel like the worlds worst mother and friend because I can barely take care of myself without feeling like I'm drowning and you know what the worst part is... Offering to help me with the kids or the house or life would stress me right out. I just want to sit here by myself and relax and sulk. Isn't that terrible!?
I think I need to get back on the whole30 because as silly as it seems, I truly feel like diet plays at least a little role in it.
I know I sound so dumb. So ungrateful. I am not me. I need a break. I would do anything for these little ones of mine even enduring this, I just hope they never have to. So next time you see that perfect little picture someone on your social media posted... just remember that sometimes life is so hard its sometimes just that one smiling picture that freezes the time to make you feel ok in that one moment.