Its over. I am happy.

Ok, Im ready to talk about it. I really was hoping and praying this didn't happen again, but it did.. so here I am. I yet again had the annoying and frustrating anxiety and depression after my sweet baby Penny was born and the only way I could stop it was stopping nursing and getting my hormones back on track. What a pain. Although I would love to think that four months isn't a long time, it really was painfully long with this problem again. I had it after Bentley and the symptoms this time were the exact same. I knew right away this time what was happening and every bone in my body resented it. I hate to say it but I am so jealous of people who can nurse for however long they want to and I hate the constant feeling of being judged because my baby is now on formula, taking a bottle and not living by the (ridiculous) "breast is best" suggestion. That "suggestion" really irritates me.



My entire pregnancy I was worried about getting anxiety and depression again after she was born. I talked with so many people, tried to find little tricks that might help and really felt like I was jumping into dark ocean water and hoping to be able to swim.

I even tried the whole hiring someone to encapsulate your placenta. I took them religiously, but after two weeks of feeling great after Penny was born, it all quickly went downhill. Anxiety attacks, crying for no reason and constantly feeling sad. The smallest tasks like going to our youth activities (Im a young women's leader), taking the kids to the grocery store and even just making dinner was hard and exhausting and rarely happened without a few tears. Urg, such a downer!

A couple of weeks ago is when I knew I needed to stop. I cried. And nursed my baby one last time. I know it sounds so dramatic and really doesn't sound like a big deal but in that moment, I was devastated. Anxiety and depression really makes everything a "big deal".





Very few people knew about it and it was only in the last month I started to talk about it. I know they say "don't suffer in silence" but to be perfectly honest, I wasn't ready to face the reality that this was happening to me again. I wanted to nurse my baby so badly and the thing is, I am not at all against formula.. I just wanted the experience for me and once again, I felt robbed. A month ago when I started telling people the surface of what was happening to me, it was because I was trying to stop nursing (which is so incredible painful!)and I really just needed people to support me. I needed to hear "its ok" and "your making the right decision".. more than anything, I needed to not be judged. I have such incredible friends and family who texted me throughout the day, asking if I was ok, offering their support and giving me all the compliments I so desperately needed at that time.

It really is strange, its like my body cannot handle making breast milk because as soon as I stopped producing milk I feel totally fine and back to normal. This week has been good. I feel happy. I feel relieved and I know I made the right decision to stop. I have so much more patience with my children and making dinner is just a regular (sometimes annoying.. like every other mama thinks Im sure) task.

So here we go, onto bottles and formula.



At least her bottles are cute and really girly BUT formula is expensive!!! For this specific kind, its $48 a week! I guess I shouldn't complain because Im not willing to switch formula to a cheaper one but it does cost a fortune! Penny has been amazing this entire few weeks of transitioning. She took a bottle right away like a little champion and doesn't mind the formula at all. It didn't change her wonderful night schedule at all and she still sleeps 12 hours and wakes up once to eat. But more importantly she is happy. We are happy. I am happy.





I really do feel so happy. I can laugh again... a real laugh, not those fake ones to put on a show. I dont feel like my insides are going to explode and I do not cry everyday... all day.. and night. I am happy. I feel free and back to normal, and I know this was the right choice to be able to be the mother I want to be.

And even though I don't get to nurse her anymore, I still get to cuddle her any time I want.



Once again, my biggest supporter came to my rescue. Brian, I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me but honestly there are not enough words. I love you so much! You have always been there for me. You support me (even when Im "Crazy" - he will understand that reference and Im sure its making him smile reading this) I could not imagine this life without you and so happy that you are my eternity. I have completely fallen head over heals in love with you.. again!

I am so happy this chapter is over. Those feelings and thoughts that come with depression are gone and I can just be me.