FACT.
I am writing this for me.
Pregnancy is hard. Creating a baby... sucks. The miracle of it all is amazing but the every day of it, really is taking a tole on me. I am still puking, constantly nauseous, have heartburn, restless legs, itchy skin and my emotional side is more than even I can bare. I feel like an emotional disaster. Every day I hang my head and think, "Finally.. 20 weeks, half way" I Daily look at Brian with so much discouragement and ask him how I will make it another 20 weeks. I am already feeling like Im drowning in my own body, like I'm stuck and I feel guilty saying that I really dislike pregnancy itself. I pray daily for a "break" a "good day". I am totally defeated by this pregnancy. Its been SO HARD this time around. Not only physically, but even more so, mentally. I feel like a WHALE! I know, its normal and most women feel "large" during pregnancy but this time around I am struggling to even enjoy this bump. I am having a hard time dressing myself, feeling comfortable, attractive and beautiful. Its a struggle. I am getting stretch marks that I never got with the boys.. which is taking so much more of a toll on me emotionally than I ever would have thought. In my heart, I don't care.. and I I want to embrace them and just realize that its ok, its all for my baby.. but emotionally, I hate it. I hate looking at them forming and knowing that they are only going to get worse... its so trivial and I hate feeling this way!
Lately, Ive felt so much more "sad". its hard to explain, I am SO HAPPY and SO EXCITED for this sweet baby but at the same time, I feel sad. I think all the nausea is getting to me. I am so tired of hearing people say I look like I'm 10 weeks farther along or like I'm having twins... its rude, and honestly, for me.. its not a compliment.. it makes me want to lay my head in my hands and cry! I know I'm measuring big, no need to point it out. Its my fourth pregnancy in 4 years.. my body knows exactly what to do and how to "fall". I will show much more than when I did when I was first pregnant with Carter.
As I write this, tears flow down my face, I feel silly... crazy.. discouraged. I want so bad, more than anything, to enjoy this pregnancy.. I really do, but Im struggling to and have to realize that that its ok to struggle. So many people have internal struggles that we never know or hear about. I know Im not the only one, even though it sometimes feels like it.
I would endure anything for my children, anything. I love this sweet little girl so so much and I cannot wait to meet her in a few more months. I LOVE feeling her move inside of me. Brian can feel her too now, its a beautiful thing. Its the one thing I do love and will miss about pregnancy.
Somehow I need to enjoy this. I want to. Somehow I need to find the beauty in my changing body. I love the miracle of life. The complete and utter innocence of a baby, she needs me and I need her. She is a part of me and I am a part of her.
We are Lucky.
I love you so much baby girl. You, along with your big brothers, are our life and always will be. You mean everything to me.
It feels nice to write, to reflect and to be honest about what I am feeling. We still have good days, days when I focus on my boys and enjoy the life surrounding me. The weather lately has been amazing. Its been amazing to be able to have the windows open all day and all night, to get out of the house and enjoy some sun with my little guys.
This past week we spent nearly every day out in the sun. On walks, at the park, even car rides with the radio blasting and the windows open. This is their favourite.. they laugh and be silly in their carseats and wave at people. It makes my heart full. On Thursday, we met Lena and Becky and their little ones at the splash park. Carter was so excited when I told him where we were going that he ran upstairs and put on his bran new (totally hideous) Thomas swim trunks (that he picked out and BEGGED me to buy), he even put them on backwards, but was so proud of himself, I just left it and didn't mention it to him and just rejoiced in the glory of him doing it himself. It was worth every second of his smiling and proud face. Once we got there, Carter went straight in!
Loving every minute this freedom!
Sweet little Evie and Sawyer really enjoyed the beautiful weather, as for Mars.. he was as independent as can be playing at the park!
We had such a great afternoon! and while Bentley and Lucy played at the park, Carter was off running circles up and down the big hill behind us fully submerged in his childhood. It was perfect!
This next picture makes me laugh... Bentley and Lucy were sharing the baby swing and Bentley wasn't too impressed but almost more embarrassed than upset I think... his chest kills me in this picture!
Within 5 minutes of being in the Car heading home, Bentley was OUT! He was exhausted, and as cute as a button!
He really is my sweet summer baby this year. We took the boys today to the lake and while I did some maternity photos for a friend, the boys played in the sand. Bentley LOVED it! What a perfect age to explore.
Life sometimes can be tricky. We all struggle.. every single one of us and even though sometimes we feel alone. We never are. Heres to hoping the next 20 weeks of my pregnancy go fast and smooth and I can start to really embrace and enjoy this powerful and incredible miracle of pregnancy.