real.
Well, its here. January 25. The day everyone on social media (etc) acknowledges mental health and spreads awareness for it. Today was a bad day. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I happened to snap at every single person in my family all before walking Carter to school. I was frustrated all day. I had a short fuse, the list goes on. Today I had major mental health problems and the only thing I wanted to do on this special day of awareness was NOT talk about it.
Can we just be real here for a moment. Mental heath SUCKS! It's like asking someone to talk about the devil that lives in every bone in their body. Its sleeping with your demons and feeling like your suffocating even with clean air flowing through your body. Today I applied my makeup three times to fool myself and everyone around me that I wasn't completely breaking inside.
I don't usually talk about my anxiety or depression when I am deep in the current of it but today, you brought it up so here it is. I cant breath. I am resting and I can feel my heart beat feel like its literally going to jump out of my chest. I am tired and irritable. I am frustrated and my legs are restless. I listen to my head tell me all the time self degrading things, and sometimes I listen to it. I have come close. twice. In these moments, I am not my own.
I am nervous, anxious, I want to scream and cry and sometimes I want to sleep and never wake up. Think Im being dramatic? I would have too had I never gone through it myself.
I literally can't talk about it today (out loud and Im thankful today is nearly done). I have it today and it consumes me. I am on the edge of crying every second. I am not sleeping at night because I am constantly thinking of my to-do list for tomorrow.
My last post about this, I mentioned that I had one more trick up my sleeve to try to help myself. And it did. In fact, it did REALLY well but it makes me mad because its a bandaid. Its not a permanent fix. And although I am grateful for the "break" from the devil I am also torn because I don't want to hide it, or mask it or stick a bandaid on it.. I want to FIX it! (is that even possible?!)
I haven't taken it for a few days and look where I am now.. so clearly it works and I should keep taking it. I missed a few because we are running low. The next prescription is being shipped now but its funny.. when I am on it and feeling pretty good.. its almost like my mind forgets how bad it actually gets. I try to take a break from it to see if I am cured and then I fall right back into this hell. When will I learn! I am waiting to speak to a professional in the field of mental health and am confident I will find answers to my toxic mind but until then I am just in survival mode.
Anyone who knows me and has asked me why I am not taking antidepressants will know that I am scared of them (Just like being scared of the epidural so id rather push out three 8 pound babies instead - Note: I am NOT against them, they scare me!) This is the same. I am terrified of the side affects. I am scared to get hooked and not be able to have a good day without them. I am scared I will be on them for the rest of my life. Im scared to gain weight, to break out, to mess up my hormones (which let me add are already soooooo messed up) So I truly am trying everything "natural" and using those prescriptions as my last option. Its ok to have a different opinion than me. You need to do what works best for you and what you're comfortable with. So whats this magical stuff I am talking about? Well, (insert **PLEASE DON'T JUDGE** here) Its medically prescribed cannabis oil. I met with a Doctor back in November who prescribed it to me. She was confident it would work, and it does. I take the CBD oil in the morning (no THC) and it kicks in within a couple of hours and lasts for the whole day. Its not covered by health care but who cares.. it works! If you're not opposed to it and you suffer with mental health problems, or really, SO many other problems and conditions, you should really give it a try. There are ZERO side affects and its prescribed so you have nothing to loose.
Today was a disaster. I made sure to take the oil tonight and Im praying for a better sleep and a better day tomorrow. Life with mental health really is a day by day thing. I am so sorry to everyone I know who suffers with it, what a nightmare it is. Today made me realize how many people have it and yet, I still feel alone. You are not yourself in the moments of mental health.
Heres to hoping tomorrow is a better day.
Can we just be real here for a moment. Mental heath SUCKS! It's like asking someone to talk about the devil that lives in every bone in their body. Its sleeping with your demons and feeling like your suffocating even with clean air flowing through your body. Today I applied my makeup three times to fool myself and everyone around me that I wasn't completely breaking inside.
I don't usually talk about my anxiety or depression when I am deep in the current of it but today, you brought it up so here it is. I cant breath. I am resting and I can feel my heart beat feel like its literally going to jump out of my chest. I am tired and irritable. I am frustrated and my legs are restless. I listen to my head tell me all the time self degrading things, and sometimes I listen to it. I have come close. twice. In these moments, I am not my own.
I am nervous, anxious, I want to scream and cry and sometimes I want to sleep and never wake up. Think Im being dramatic? I would have too had I never gone through it myself.
I literally can't talk about it today (out loud and Im thankful today is nearly done). I have it today and it consumes me. I am on the edge of crying every second. I am not sleeping at night because I am constantly thinking of my to-do list for tomorrow.
My last post about this, I mentioned that I had one more trick up my sleeve to try to help myself. And it did. In fact, it did REALLY well but it makes me mad because its a bandaid. Its not a permanent fix. And although I am grateful for the "break" from the devil I am also torn because I don't want to hide it, or mask it or stick a bandaid on it.. I want to FIX it! (is that even possible?!)
I haven't taken it for a few days and look where I am now.. so clearly it works and I should keep taking it. I missed a few because we are running low. The next prescription is being shipped now but its funny.. when I am on it and feeling pretty good.. its almost like my mind forgets how bad it actually gets. I try to take a break from it to see if I am cured and then I fall right back into this hell. When will I learn! I am waiting to speak to a professional in the field of mental health and am confident I will find answers to my toxic mind but until then I am just in survival mode.
Anyone who knows me and has asked me why I am not taking antidepressants will know that I am scared of them (Just like being scared of the epidural so id rather push out three 8 pound babies instead - Note: I am NOT against them, they scare me!) This is the same. I am terrified of the side affects. I am scared to get hooked and not be able to have a good day without them. I am scared I will be on them for the rest of my life. Im scared to gain weight, to break out, to mess up my hormones (which let me add are already soooooo messed up) So I truly am trying everything "natural" and using those prescriptions as my last option. Its ok to have a different opinion than me. You need to do what works best for you and what you're comfortable with. So whats this magical stuff I am talking about? Well, (insert **PLEASE DON'T JUDGE** here) Its medically prescribed cannabis oil. I met with a Doctor back in November who prescribed it to me. She was confident it would work, and it does. I take the CBD oil in the morning (no THC) and it kicks in within a couple of hours and lasts for the whole day. Its not covered by health care but who cares.. it works! If you're not opposed to it and you suffer with mental health problems, or really, SO many other problems and conditions, you should really give it a try. There are ZERO side affects and its prescribed so you have nothing to loose.
Today was a disaster. I made sure to take the oil tonight and Im praying for a better sleep and a better day tomorrow. Life with mental health really is a day by day thing. I am so sorry to everyone I know who suffers with it, what a nightmare it is. Today made me realize how many people have it and yet, I still feel alone. You are not yourself in the moments of mental health.
Heres to hoping tomorrow is a better day.