A recap. 2015
2015 was a little crazy for our family. We welcomed 2015 with our little 3 month old Penny and watched her grow throughout the year. We witnessed her first steps her first solid foods, crawling, her first flight .. SO MANY FIRSTS! Carter graduated Preschool and Started Kindergarten in 2015! And Bentley really was my little sidekick throughout the whole year! He and I spent so much time just us while Carter was in school and Penny was napping, it was lovely having some one on one time with my littlest man! He also got into those "terrible THREE's" which we are still trying to figure out! All in all 2015 has been a GREAT year for our children!
As for Brian and I, 2015 was good too! We renovated like crazy, listed our old home and sold it in a week! We bought a house (which we love!) and moved in a couple weeks later. We went on vacation with close friends, we met and got to know extended family in Toronto, enjoyed every single day Brian wasn't working and my photography really started to bud in 2015.
Now for the hard stuff. Despite how wonderful 2015 sounds on paper, 2015 was really hard for me too. I struggled with anxiety and depression so much at the beginning of the year. Then it seemed to go away and right around Penny turning one, it came back.. worse than ever. Like all my demons were living in my chest. I could not escape. I could not breath. Life seemed so wonderful and amazing and yet I could not find joy. My heart ached all of the time and it got to the point where thoughts.. scary, unreasonable thoughts, entered my mind on too many occasions. I was my own worst enemy. It was a nightmare. I was getting so much worse and no one knew it. I was ashamed and wanted so badly to pull myself out of this mess that was completely suffocating me.
First I told Brian the harsh reality of my mental state. He was my rock, as always. Then I told my mom and my sister. They too stood by me trying to find the words that they hoped would help. Then I told my Mother-in-law the heartache I felt, the demons in my mind. I did not find a cure or much peace but it did feel better to talk about it and it did help a bit.
Imagine you are in your own nightmare, its dark and you can't think straight even though you are trying. You try to tell yourself its ok, you can get out but then you hear voices saying "no you can't" "you have no worth" "you don't matter" .. you know those thoughts are insane and not true but can't help but let them drown your mind. Then you hear "I want Daddy, I don't want you to help me" as every toddler says at one point or another and they all go through that phase of wanting one parent at some point but in that deep dark place all you hear is those little precious babies who you love more than life itself say they don't want you or need you. Then you think.. I can end this. It would be ok. They would be ok.
That is how I was feeling. Tears fall down my face as I reminisce those horrible awful feelings and emotions. No one should ever feel that or think that. I know my worth. I know my kids need me just as much as I need them, despite them being picky on who puts their seat belts on that day. It puts a pit in my stomach to think about it. I never ever want to feel that way again. EVER! The harsh reality is that I am not completely in the clear. I still feel it coming on and when I do I feel like my lips are sealed shut and I want to scream for help but I can't... my body won't let me. Luckily, Brian can usually read my mind and say the things I need so badly for him to. "You are precious, you have worth and we need you. You mean everything to me. I love you so much Christina." Thank you Brian. You help me more than I can even help myself. I love you too.
Since I don't have a cure, and am trying other remedies first, I have started taking A TON of vitamins every single day! Like 7 different ones and I REALLY REALLY feel like they're working! I feel human again and a bad day is just a regular bad day.. like most people have. I don't feel like I am suffocating and I have enough control to tell Brian when I start to "feel it coming on". I have read so much that after having babies, your magnesium levels can be totally screwed and thats one of the vitamins I am taking. I really don't feel like its a cure and so long as I take my vitamins I won't ever get it again but that is probably not the reality...although Im going to live like it is until I am proven wrong!
So as much as 2015 has been amazing, it has been hard and I am going to soak in 2016 as though it was a beautiful breath of fresh air. I am going to embrace each day and serve others more fully. I am going to be more mindful of my family. Of my Husband and my children. I am going to try not to put too much on my calendar and take days to just stay in and enjoy the sweet sounds of my children playing and crying and whining and entertaining us.. because life is short and I now know that you can still be alive but without living. So this year, I plan on fixing me and that is exactly how I will do it! This is OUR year. It will be amazing I think.
I am so happy and feel so lucky to have this man by my side. Through it all. I am so madly, insanely, crazy in love with you.
I will keep you posted on my crazy mind BUT please don't try to diagnose me or put me on medication.. I will just turn you down ;)
This year we rang in the new year with our close friends. We ran out the door late after realizing that Penny's little diamond earring fell out of her ear and rushing to find another pair of mine that were small enough for her tiny ears so I completely forgot my camera, so we were left with a phone camera and really didn't take many photos BUT I am so happy that Kaylee sent me these!
Sweet Sweet Penny and Aria and their matching Jammies!
I do not know what I would do without these ladies who can lift me up and make me laugh when I need it the most! Love you guys! Thanks so much to Mark and Mishelle who hosted the new years Party this year and did an INCREDIBLE job! Mishelle's decorations looked like I was in her pintrest album! Everything was so cute and must have taken so much time! We had so much fun and the kids.. LASTED ALL THE WAY TO MIDNIGHT AND ALSO HAD A BLAST!
New Years Day was good too. The kids woke up a tiny bit later than normal but not much so we napped them and stayed in our jammies all morning and just relaxed. Then we met up with my family because my older sister and her family are in town from Manitoba and I am SO HAPPY I got to meet my nephew!!!
Umm.. ISN'T HE ADORABLE!!!? Auntie loves you Dustin!
Since we aren't all together very often, my parents wanted to update their picture wall which had us all in it nearly 3 years ago! Sounds simple right.... HA! Nope. It was cold, the kids were tired from New Years Eve and well.. My kids were the crankiest!
Only some people wanted jackets off and some wanted them on and the kids (and adults.. mostly me) lost their patience very quickly! So yes.. this is what we got BUT its OUR family and thats the most important part! Even if Carter is balling in his cousin picture...
Family is THE MOST important thing on this earth. We are a blended family with tons of differences and similarities, some of us live close and some of us live far, we are different and unique and that is what makes this family awesome!
My parents hosted a New Years Day dinner tonight which was delicious! The kids ate first.
Then it was the adults and then they surprised Raeann with a Monster High ice cream cake since she just turned 11 a couple of days ago!
Often we take family for granted. But I feel so blessed to be apart of this awesome blended family. I feel like we are all still leaning things about each other and I know we are lucky.
So! Happy New Year everyone. I am anxious to work on my new year goals and to really try my best to make this year the best yet!