In our lives for a moment, but remembered forever.

This is probably the hardest post for me. I am writing this post not because I want to share this news with everybody, but it is really more like "therapy" and trying to find the best in whatever happens. I promise to be strong, and I also promise never to forget this moment that changed our lives.

Prior to sharing my second pregnancy story, I only ask that you respect our "privacy" (even though I understand I truly am putting it all out there). It is hard to continuously think about it so I am writing this post in memory of our little second spirit and hoping to find joy in the things that happen in life that we can't explain. "Come what may, and love it".

We found out we were pregnant with our second baby on September 8th, 2011. Oh the joy we felt. I took a test while Brian was at work. 2 little pink lines. We had been trying for a few months. I was so excited.. I scooped up little Carter in my arms and I kissed his chubby cheeks a million times. I cannot explain the excitement I felt. About a week and a half after we found out, we told our parents. This is how...

We wrapped a Green Apple with a cute little ribbon and wrote a poem to them saying "Thank you for your help in deed.. (they had just helped us with our kitchen renovations)... your newest grandkid is the size of an appleseed. Just 5 weeks now, only 35 to go.. Baby will be here by May 19th or So!"

Yes, We were so excited that we even started to take "belly" Photos each week!!

Both sets of our parents were so excited. About 2 weeks after we found out we were expecting, I could not help but feel like something was wrong. This pregnancy felt nothing like Carter's pregnancy. In Fact, I felt no different at all. We had our first Baby Doctor appointment with Dr. Ward (she is absolutely AMAZING) on October 3rd. We talked about how I just really felt like something was wrong.... something did not seem right. She understood that I had no complications with Carter and said that this baby should be similar but because I am 0 negative blood type I do have a higher chance of having complications.

I still felt like something was wrong... I even convinced myself that I should be feeling something.. or even if I could just puke once I would feel like there really was a baby in there. Dr. Ward sent us for a dating ultrasound the next day to confirm everything was just fine. And it was. The ultrasound tech showed us our little miracle. It was amazing to see this tiny little bean with its perfect little heart beating so fast.

Week 6- Baby is the size of a sweet-pea!

For a moment our hearts were full.

Even our little 10 month old Carter was with us and able to see his little sibling. It is a precious memory to have. We got a call from Dr. Ward the next day confirming that everything looked great. I still felt like something was wrong.

The next weekend was Thanksgiving. We had dinner at Mom & Dad Reed's house on Saturday evening. Both sets of our grandparents were there. We went around the table during dinner and said what we are most thankful for. When we got to Brian, he had a HUGE smile on his face and simply said "I am thankful that we are expecting again!!" Everybody clapped and smiled. It was perfect.

On Sunday we had Thanksgiving dinner at my parents house... we put a "Big Brother" onesie on Carter and .. well.. you can imagine what happened when everyone read his little shirt. He was defiantly centre-of-attention lol.

Week 7 - Baby is the size of a blueberry!!

Although even with all the excitement, I still knew something was wrong.

That week went by fast... looking back on it.. it went way too fast. On October 15th, 2011, my heart dropped. I was shopping with my mom, I needed to buy Carter a winter hat and some mittens. I also found the cutest little red knitted hat with an adorable knitted cream coloured flower on it.

I knew this baby was a girl. I know it was so early.... but I just knew it, so...I bought it.

I won't get into to many more details. That weekend, I spent in Emergency with Brian. We were having many complications. I cried. He cried. And we were still trying to hang on to as much hope as possible.

We prayed and prayed that everything would be ok.

We had an ultrasound to see if baby was still there. It was. And it still had a heartbeat. A slow one. We didn't sleep for 4 nights. Sad. Scared. Confused. When it all started on October 15th, this was the National Rememberance Day for Misscarriages and loosing children... Ironic.

On Wednesday October 19.2011. My heart stopped for a moment. Dr. Ward called (after reviewing a few more test results) and said we lost our baby. I cannot explain our heartache. I felt so much physical pain from the miscarriage, but the emotional pain was so much worse. I never thought this would happen to me. Especially after a perfectly healthy pregnancy with Carter.

There are so many things I would love to know... why me? Why this Baby? And so many things I will never know... but one thing is for sure is that I know through time of trial, I look to the Lord in prayer for faith and strength that everything will be ok. I know that I will see that baby again. It just wasn't time yet. My heart still aches. I am so sorry to anyone who has ever had a miscarriage... It is terrible. There are no words to describe how defeated you feel, and my heart aches for you.

I am so grateful for my incredible Husband. Who has been my rock the entire time. Who let me cry on his shoulder the entire night, and blow my nose in his sleeve (and we all know brian HATES body fluids lol) I am grateful for the distraction of Carter... and how he always knew the best time to blow me a kiss. I am thankful for the love and support from our family and friends. I know it is an awkward subject... the worst thing is that I didn't know what I needed so it was so hard for anyone to help.

I wish it never happened, Im glad its over and Im still trying to figure out what I needed to learn through this. I still cry, but I know with time it will get easier.

I am so happy and proud that I got to be this little baby's Mommy for those 8 short weeks. What a special feeling it was. I love you little Bean.2. and I am happy to remember you the short time you were with us.

I am not ashamed of what happened, and I am happy to remember. I am thankful for those few people who knew what happened and who shared their miscarriage stories with me. It was comforting to know that I am not alone. So maybe, my story can help someone too.

In our Lives for a moment. But remembered forever.